Justification of the decisions I've made

Wordy post ahead. 

So I've had a good few months to figure out whart the hell I'd be doing with my life after I graduate from degree. You'd think that I'd continue doing architecture, fulfilling my mother's wishes of me becoming some sort of famous architect with a firm or whatever. But no. I decline! Nay, I STRONGLY REFUSE. After my final year, struggling so much just to maintain my stupid (average) grades, I've come to realize that this shit ain't for me. I don't like the reality of it all. Sitting on your ass, day by day, CAD-ING?! Please, no. Where's the passion in all of it? Developing carpal-tunnel syndrome ain't on my bucket-list okay?!

To be honest, I found it difficult to admit to myself that I was horrible at designing buildings. I took me 2 years ++ to actually face the truth. And I was so confident with myself too. So full of shit. I mean, we studied urban design, how to respond to current issues locals of the city face, and how if we were to build a new city, whart concepts would create a successfully self-sustaining city. Yeah yeah it's a big deal, but not to me. Isn't it strange that I really don't give a shit about urban design? Call me selfish but I really don't know how to fix something I don't understand, and believe me, I've tried my very best to accept this challenge as it is. But you have to know when to admit defeat. I don't care enough to try to fix a city. I don't care enough to design a self-sustaining building. I just don't care. I admitted it to myself last year. 

This made me realize that I was only doing my assignments to get the grades (and not like I had awesome grades either. I'm just decent) and not to actually learn and gain more knowledge. I didn't do any of it out of passion. Not like when we did our Dwelling Spaces and VIC. I was so enthusiastic about those. I think because my lecturers were emphasizing on the experiences and poetics of it all. But later in the years, everything just became too technical and square (like literally). Everything had to be "real" or had the potential to be constructed. If you did something organic, you would either be deemed brave or stupid, because heck, in Malaysia, shit like that won't get approved. Reality check much?

Kinda sucked when I had this weird quatre life crisis thing going on in my life because I suddenly became so lost. My confidence went out the window and everything confused me. And in the middle of my final semester?! Dafuq bruhhh. Was totally not the time!

I spoke to many of my friends about my dilemma. About whether how I feel meant that I'm a quitter or whether I'm just not cut out for this or whether I'm just not trying hard enough. I couldn't speak to my mom about it because she would just ignore my feelings and opinions and brush everything off (she's been doing that to me for the pass few months gosh). The only person who actually helped me a lot was my sister because I think she's the only one who understood whart I went through. She's been through it and she decided to study Political Science behind my mother's back. LOL! But she's good at it. She's a know-it-all and a book worm so I think she fits the bill. 

She helped me research on a few master programs in the UK (because heck, I wouldn't know where to start), but before she did, she asked me whart I wanted to do exactly. I didn't know how to explain it so I told her in layman's terms. I told her to imagine Burps & Giggles in Ipoh and that I wanted to design clever spaces like that. I mean, the first thing you see when you enter the cafe is an integration of exterior and interior spaces, with the translucent plastic roof allowing light enter the courtyard + giant umbrellas to shade certain spots in case there's too much light. There were skinny minnie trees in the middle of the sitting areas and can we not for the murals?! Also the gorgeous use of timber window shutters as the cafe's facade. NEED I GO ON? 

So anyway, she found a masters program for me. It isn't in Scotland, which was where I originally wanted to go to, but it's in Chelsea (which is near London argh). I avoided London so much but apparently, most of the art schools there provide the masters that I'd really love to take. SACRIFICES. So I'll have to make do. BUT I'M FREAKIN' EXCITED. Masters in Interior and Spatial Design. LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL PROGRAM! It's so relevant to whart I want to do, I could burst out crying. My heart is fluttering, seriously. There are other masters programs that I'll be applying for and will consider taking after the ISD one; if I get accepted for it larh (pray it all goes well). I'm applying for a scholarship too so ... I just hope I'm good enough. 

I haven't felt so good about something like this in a long time. I feel like this is my path and I refuse to second-guess it. I am an artist. I find excitement in sketching and painting on walls. I find love in cafes and backpackers with exposed bricks and little ornamental details. This is who I am, and so I will pursue a career in something I am confident I will achieve great things in. 

Also, mom doesn't know my plans. I'm just gonna try my luck at the scholarships and hope I get accepted so at least she won't nag me about achieving my own dreams of being a art cafe owner/set designer/lazy mafaka. My dad is being uber supportive because ... well ... my dad has always been like that larh. Hahaha. Don't think he really cares whart I do, so long as I do it well (it's even better if my education is free lol sigh). Yay for that!

I've started my portfolio and it's looking pretty good! Though Photoshop-ing on my old laptop is making my patience run dry. Didn't realize how slow this laptop is ... haha. It's k, I'll make do. It's a pretty colourful portfolio but whart am I without abusing colours right? Haha.

Sneak peek.

Also, I got a job at a kindergarten in Centerpoint. I KNOW RAIT WHART AM I DOING AT A KINDERGARTEN AGAIN?! Well, since I've decided on my career path, I don't see the point in working in architecture firms (I just don't like the idea of being trapped in a cubicle okay. I'M LIKE A BIRD, I ONLY FLY AWAYYY!). So I applied for this awesome job and I got it. I have to go for training and complete some tests but I'm SUPER ECSTATIC. Good pay, minimal working hours; whart's not to love?  Can't wait to experience something new!

Will be busy the rest of the month. Really happy about my schedule being filled. As much as I like doing nothing, I simply hate doing nothing alone. WHY IS EVERYONE BUSY OR AWAY?! T_T TRAITORS! Abandoning me like this! D:

Anyway, Happy Chinese New Year to my very chinesey friends! Hope you have a blessed new year! :)